PROPITIOUSNESS

5/24/2016

With the digital age upon us, and everything being done by social media, visiting the deceased at current funeral homes will be a thing of the past. No longer will there be a need to go to a specific location and at a specific time slot to view the dead person’s remains and meet with the family. Everything will now be done online. Because of these modern conveniences, joining the ranks of the unemployed will be funeral directors, hearse and coffin builders, cemetery maintenance workers, and sympathy card writers. Their trades will disappear like whale harpooners and ice tong men. Cemeteries nationwide, will have their mature trees sawn into display cases for new products and the land sold off to build new smart phone authorized dealers. With the human population burgeoning, we can ill afford premium land sitting around with acres of ‘deadbeats’ stuffed inside them. On the plus side, we will no longer be inconvenienced by funeral processions, miss out on happy hour at Applebee’s due to a time conflict with the wake and we can limit our donation to the deceased to $20. This would be an acceptable gift for such low-cost funerals. FUNERALBOOK will handle all the notifications and Skyping old friends and the family of the deceased you used to see at the wakes, will satisfy the emotional grieving factor. Placed in a computer generated coffin, the recently deceased can be viewed online and immediately after, the body will be conveyored into a former coal fired power plant and the energy released in the body fat will become electricity to charge our phones and hair dry the dog. The electric utilities will own the repurposed ‘pyre palaces’ and the former individual who met his death, will cascade down the power lines lighting up our lives. Death will no longer bother the living, as all aspects of an individual’s life can be rapidly scrolled thru at the viewer’s convenience. When finished, merely discard the departed’s accumulated deeds by pressing DELETE.  

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