LANDSCAPING

5/4/2020

Jay Clay was awoken at 7AM as the first hint of sunrise smashed into his bedroom window. His goal today was to plant the 10 evergreen bushes that he acquired illicitly the night before from the chain restaurant that just opened. Under the slight influence of a chemical known as ethyl alcohol, Jay thought that those globe arborvitaes would look much better in his yard, rather than on the shoreline of some asphalt sea parking lot. With its brilliant green foliage augmented by LED soffit lighting, the intensity struck Mr. Clay’s eye and headed straight into his brain. He decided right then and there that they were going home with him. It was the same tactic that Jay engaged in years ago, when he drunkenly brought home his future wife, Syndy. Finishing his meal and keeping a constant vigil on those beckoning bushes, Jay calculated the scenario of backing up his pickup truck to the middle of those arborvitaes, grabbing the freshly planted balls by the crown, throwing them into his ‘pirate ship,’ and sailing home. His calculations were correct; success. As Jay finished his labor of love with Syndy dictating their exact locations, a municipal car pulled in their driveway. The police officer exited his vehicle and examined the 10 little green balls with the fresh pile of dirt next to each one. The first shift veteran was an expert at human behavior and did not see a felonious, career criminal. He saw a hard-working taxpayer, who only wanted to make his wife happy without breaking the bank.  Looking at all the evidence in front of him, the officer merely uttered a 5-word sentence and proceeded back to his awaiting squad car. The words, “you WILL put them back,” were etched in Jay’s mind. Syndy and her dejected husband unearthed the brief presents and he alone headed back to the Roaring Ram’s Restaurant. Pulling up with the entire Sunday church goer crowd watching, Jay proceeded to reinstall the booty; and had no appetite after eating his fresh, morning crow. 

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