TENTS

8/10/2020

Of all the variants of domestic domiciles that humans have conceived, the tent takes the cupcake as far as cost effectiveness. These canvas castles can make trailer homes seem like mansions, due to the fact that the aluminum clad station wagons are equipped with furnaces, a kitchen, and even an indoor working toilet. The tent only comes with a roof, walls, and for an upgrade, it will have a floor all made out of the same material: a synthetic substance that stinks. Sitting in a garage, a basement, or even draped over a clothesline for years, the unique aroma of that pitchable, pole supported, psuedoamniotic sac will make a skunk blush. The durable material that comprises these circus shelters spent about 2 hours in development before the designers started doing shots and injecting heroin. What other living quarters could possible boast tongue and groove canvas ceilings with canvas wainscoting walls and hard canvas flooring in a herringbone pattern? None. The floor layouts are endlessly immense: you can live in a square or a rectangle or, if you really want to blow the load, you can get a yurt. Just leave your yaks outside, unless it drops to zero, in which case you should bring in the nak yak (female) to act as a heat source because tents have no R value. They transfer the wind noise from a whooshing sound into an annoying fabric flapping noise that will guarantee no sleep. As far as security goes, they are just shy of a nuclear blast bunker by a factor of 4 billion, otherwise, there have been no reported cases of roaming sea urchins breaking and entering these maximum-security lock downs. Assembly of these nylon cathedrals varies on the mechanical aptitude of the tenant. Auto mechanics and construction personnel can usually erect a medium sized unit in 10 minutes. Accountants and hair stylists average 4.75 hours before it’s off to the Holiday Inn. Tents provide excellent amusement by exiting the fabric fun house at 3AM, tying the zipper shut and hollering “FIRE!”