TP. 73  TOILETS

The United Nations sponsored: World Toilet Day falls on November 19th and just happens to coincide with International Men’s Day. The sitting and shitting is most fitting for the likes of men like John Crapper and other male improvers of the fabulous flush toilet. The history of toilets is stuffed full of interesting tidbits and goes back to 3,000 BCE, when gang “release rooms” were a social event. Women, to this day, still go in droves to the ladies’ restrooms to compare notes and devise tactics to snag a man in his original man cave: the bathroom. After a quick consultation, a physical release of an old dinner and an application of a new face, the women’s plans are activated and the stupid men have no idea of what kind of shit is about to go down. And all this while hovering around the porcelain commode. If only toilets could talk, they would reveal just how humans are secretly conceived. Anyway…. back to the design of these hard, comfort thrones. They incorporate a water source that has been weaned down to move the stool up and over the built-in trap within the toilet. One cup less, and the stool stays, embarrassing the last passenger on the purge patrol. People comment that if more water was dumped in from the tank or flush valve, then a more satisfying flush would scour the bowls that were filled from the bowels; and this is true. However, using fresh water, we would soon deplete our reservoirs, and then factories would not have a covert way to dump in their wastes into. Sooo….less water it is. Well, what about ocean water? Salt water makes organics buoyant, and you would just have a bunch of brown islands floating around, refusing to leave the pool. Not a pretty sight. The toilets of the future will incorporate firecrackers that are inserted into the stool’s center. With a blasting cap ignitor setting them off with the toilet handle, just: close the lid: get back and flush. That oughta get them littl’ doggies up and over the hump.