THE PANDEMIC

3/15/2020

Never before in the history of mankind, not even during the 2 world wars, has such a frightening scenario raised its catastrophic cranium and gazed into the soul of man with such intensity, that even fearless souls shit themselves. With planet wide panic and just a few areas exempt from such terror, the media continues to inform the citizens of the world just how dire the current situation has morphed. We are discussing the greatest scare mankind has known, just shy of complete thermonuclear war or a deadly alien invasion from space. We are talking about the inability of civilized humanity to procure toilet paper. With the shelves of stores stripped bare of this vital commodity, panic is everywhere and sanity has exited. Schools are closing, sporting and social events are being cancelled and borders are being sealed to prevent this pandemic from creeping around the world and causing widespread outbreaks of crusty, brown asses. The highway patrols are guarding all the freeway waysides to prevent theft of their precious ass wipes by marauding out-of-staters, hell bent on capturing this lifesaving paper that has just surpassed gold in value. Fast food chains have pulled napkin dispensers from the condiment areas to prevent unauthorized and unapproved use of these products that could double as a stand-in for anal squeegees. Security guards stand outside the restaurant restrooms and customers must show receipts for services at the stores in order to be allowed in. The toilet paper dispenser inside these stalls now have a credit card swipers in order to acquire butt wipers. Forests are being felled overnight and newspaper sales are through the roof to temporarily eliminate this shortage  YouTube videos offer help with tutorials showing people how to wipe their ass on an outside corner of a wall as a last ditch effort to cleanse the crack. Obese people are shit out of luck as these 90°angles bottom out on ass fat before the cleaning corner reaches pay dirt. 

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