HOLEY COW III

8/28/2019

The silent heroes of the cold war, SUBMARINE COWS, were retired to pastures near Ames, Iowa in 1993 and left to live out their final days without the fear of riding on the slaughterhouse conveyor hooks. Brought back from the former USSR, the herd was decked out in white hats, blue dresses and red boots. President Clinton, a fan of farm animals, (pigs in blue dresses), signed the decree to honor these cherished bovines in perpetuity. After much touring, the gang showed up in Ames for retirement, but Iowa was a leading producer of pork and the local industry put up a stink. So, in 1996 they were moved to Fargo, North Dakota, but the newly released movie, FARGO overshadowed their importance and most people went to look for the ‘snow brush.’ Next move was Cheyenne, Wyoming which they called home from 1997 all the way to 2004. They were a big hit there, but the original SUBMARINE COWS still had the inborn trait to hang around and observe nuclear facilities. With 150 Minuteman III silos scattered around Warrens Air Force Base, this became a security issue.  The nightmare peaked in December 21, 2003, when 3 high school seniors stuck a Go Cam in a stray SUBMARINE COW’s port and the resulting video showed up on YouTube. 4 Missileers faces were plainly seen as they exchanged shifts at 0800 and was deemed to be a major security breach. The camera was extracted, the boys were “scared straight” and the herd was trucked off to Burlington, Vermont, far from sensitive military installations. The new guardians of the infamous SUBMARINE COWS are none other than the owners of Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream. Seeing a great market potential, the pair advertised the Cold War heroes extensively and had another port installed on the other side of the cow. Sealed off from the digestive tract and refrigerated, the chambers dispensed two different flavors of ice cream and included bowls, spoons and a credit card reader. Right from the cow. You can’t get any fresher than that. 

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