COUNTERTOPS

3/17/2017

The male animal world has hundreds of variants of the phallus, the organ used to inseminate the female of its species. There is no set pattern to the variations that exist in a particular kingdom. For example, in vertebrates, one species of birds (Lake duck) has a penis half its body length. For primates, a gorilla’s penis averages 1.5 inches, double that for chimpanzees, and the most endowed primate, on average, is the human male. Horses have more erectile tissue inside the structure of their penis, so when it fills with blood, it attains a larger size then a bull’s penis. Cows, horses, and humans are a few of the select mammals that do not contain a baculum, or bone, within the penis. The largest penis recorded belongs to a 66-foot-long blue whale who sported a 10-foot erection, the Johnny Holmes of the marine mammals. All of this is about genetic uniqueness and individuality. When distinction is desired by human vanity, kitchen countertops come into play. If all humans were perfectionists, then Quartz or Formica countertops would suffice because the patterns and colors are very uniform and have strict quality control. But most people desire peculiar flaws or imperfections and chose granite or marble countertops because of the rare veining. A Texas company now offers tops covered with a thin layer of horse penis epoxied to a stable substrate. The horse penis is removed from the euthanized horse and enlarged by injecting a pressurized epoxy into the veins. It is then put into a lathe and a long sharp knife is pressed into the rotating member where it comes off in a veneer, similar to plywood. The veneer is quickly pressed onto a cementitious base and cured. The eloquent veining structure is geometrically pleasing, and like life itself, it is one of a kind. The product is now available at Home Depot and goes by the name PENIS ENVY, a hit with all the housewives. As a warning, Do NOT spill any cold water on it or the countertop will shrink. 

One comment

  1. This has to be one of the most unique suggestive thoughts you have come up with.

    You are the Paul Harvey’s of useless thoughts

    Like

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