CPAP

6/6/2017

The latest medical scam to relieve the insurance companies and their clients of large quantities of cash is the Continuous Positive Air Pressure (CPAP) apparatus, also known as turbo chargers for chubbies. This contraption forces above atmospheric pressure down the ‘victim’s’ throat through a mask reminiscent of World War I trench warfare. The air pump is a design stolen from an ancient aquarium model taken from a pet store, designed to keep goldfish from floating around dead in a glass bowl. The scientific concept at work here is the same as in underground mining, shore up the weak walls and ceilings with compressed air. The individuals requiring these modern ‘iron lungs’ are people who are I or 2 pounds overweight. NOT! These are full-fledged flabbies, with flaccid folds of fat flowing from their faces. Decades of dumping donuts and ding dongs down their gullets have imposed a ton of excess tissue pushing on their throats, closing their airways, and making sleep potentially deadly. So, the CPAP machine was unveiled for the public to get them dependent on it, and like any addictive drug, destroys natural survival measures to resist. The biggest drawback to this dependency is that you must be tethered to an electrical power source. Therefore, to alleviate this liability, mechanical methods can be employed. The sternum in the chest is a stable base of which to build off two towers similar to Madonna’s bra. These stout structures would have steel wires suspended down to treble hooks pierced into the throat skin to permanently keep the airway open. Using different rigging patterns similar to cable-stayed bridge structures, Santiago Calatrava would be proud to endorse this design, and in order to enhance appearance, decorative little flags could be flown from the cables as an avant-garde statement. The future holds a place for fat fashion models, waddling down the runway with an array of colorful pendants blowing in the breeze. We can all breathe easier now.