RUMSPRINGA

8/10/2017

The young man sporting a hay-laden white shirt, baby fresh facial hair with a clean-shaven upper lip, and a pair of razor thin suspenders holding up his black work pants reached into his folded up sleeve to extract his pack of smokes and commenced to light up and take a drag off his fag. This young Amish male has just entered a period in his life where he’s given a ‘hall pass’, or leeway, to experience taboo rituals frowned upon by his religion. This freedom blitzkrieg could last 2 years or more and is known as RUMSPRINGA. All teens of the Amish religion go through this ritual and 86%, or more, return to their Sect to become baptized and lead a restrictive and choreographed existence in the service of their religion. Impressive numbers for a group, who experiences a courting procedure with their potential mate by having both partners rolled up in separate blankets like a hot dog and placed in bed together. The blankets stay on, promoting intimacy without sex, but after marriage, the wife starts dumping babies like a 3-foot child at Halloween starts dumping candy when they’re toting around a 3′ 1″ brown paper bag down a concrete sidewalk. Although rare, the RUMSPRINGA era has bred notorious, bloodthirsty, biker gangs that roam North American cities, looking for outdoor malls, where they have been seen plucking up young women, and riding off with their booty towards remote sheep barns in Pennsylvania. Also, Amish carjacking hordes that throw all the well-dressed occupants of a rented limousine into a river and make off with the vehicle to a rural chop shop. Mennonite maniacs that have laughingly pressure washed to pieces the head members of the Russian mafia and have taken over their extensive gambling and prostitution industries. Last, but not least, Amish drug cartels that put Carfentanil into Gerber baby food products, to ensure a totally dependent customer base in the near future. It’s a horse and buggy horror tale born of a little permissiveness.  

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