CONSTIPATION

9/25/2020

The agony of having a traffic jam on the Hershey Highway affects all people at some time in their shitty lives. The causes of these booty blockages are numerous and include: pharmaceutical reactions that slow fecal movement to a crawl, excessive bulk that causes the stool to come to a grinding halt, or loss of organic machinery (muscle malfunction) that keeps the poop pathway from moving like an escalator towards the exit. Various chemicals are on the market to liquefy, soften, or otherwise puree the stopped stool and get the whole stream flowing again. Also available for the naturalists, are exercises designed to crush the log in the lead and clear out the jam, so production upstream is unhindered and happy. When days go by and the log chute hasn’t dropped any fecal fodder for expulsion, concern grows for the individual whose digestive tract has gone on strike. This could lead to a painful and dangerous backlog all the way up to the cranium. At this point in time, desperate measures are required to ‘rectalfy’ the situation. Two options are available that will solve the discomfort and get that turd train down the tracks.

1): Use of a digit or a utensil to get to the dam and start eroding away its solid face to get the poo unglued. Fingers are a more natural fit, due to their flexibility and their instantaneous neural feedback. Their only drawback is their short length. This justifies the use of utensils to go into god’s country and free up the shit stopper. Long, soft, and slim utensils are preferred, spatulas and forks are taboo.

2): If option 1 is too gross, merely drive to the nearest Maggot DownL’s and order a #2 meal. The chemicals contained in that concoction are similar to jet fuel and upon entering the stomach, it is activated by acids. It then ignites and pushes the meal down the intestines and rams into the blocked butt booger, thus sending it out the dirt door. WARNING! You have 15 minutes between consumption and getting your ass on the pot.

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