IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?

12/26/2017

Every December 24th, without fail, an overweight, jolly, hypothetical man wearing a red suit launches himself from the inquisitive, imaginative minds of children. He embarks on a worldwide journey to distribute gifts to well-behaved youngsters in the twilight hours and accomplishes this task in a day. So how does he do it? 1). In reality, he emerged from folklore loosely based on a 4th century bishop named St. Nickolaus. Being a western Christian tale, this limits his terrain to Europe, and the Americas: roughly 2 billion people. 2). He lives at the North pole. You would need a military GPS to find the North pole. Civilian versions are skewed to hide target locations. The sea ice in this location is roughly 5 to 10 feet thick and over an ocean that is in excess of 13,000 feet deep. With global warming, this location is in jeopardy, so it’s been moved to Baffin Island, Canada. 3). Santa speaks English. With a delivery route over many countries in 2 hemispheres, Santa uses a deluxe Google language translator, Model 1260. He spends 364 days in the Arctic, so his native language is Inuit. 4). Santa’s flying reindeer are fed ammonium percolate, a solid propellant, just before Christmas. Their colon and anus are shaped like a rocket engine, using urine as a coolant, which gives them adequate thrust to get the fat man to his destinations. 5). How does Santa get all those presents to all those people in less than a day? He subcontracts to Amazon, UPS, and FedEx. Santa’s lucrative contracts gets him a free trip to the South pole in the off season. He also holds a PhD in physics and has mastered space and time travel. His sleigh was engineered by Lockheed Martin Corporation, a leading aerospace organization that was instrumental in getting a man to the moon in earlier times. 6) So, is he real? In the minds of hundreds of millions of trusting young children, you need only to stare deep into their bright eyes and immediately the answer appears. OH, HELL YES!

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