VAMPIRE SANTA VS ZOMBIE SANTA II

12/19/2019

The 2 pale characters, known as Bill Marker and Tim Ricco, walked hand in hand around the back corrals of the Chicago Stockyards. Together, they discussed their dietary needs and elected to extract some of the liquid and gelatinous tissues that the 900-pound, 4-year-old Guernsey cow had to offer. Bill, with his incredible strength that comes as standard equipment on all vampire models, twisted the head of that sweet dairy cow in a rapid 90° turn and instantly rotated it 180°back, snapping her neck. As she fell to the ground and surrendered her soul, the 2 festive fiends donned their Santa suits to camouflage the blood stains of their feeding frenzy. Bill inserted a stainless-steel pipe directly into her heart and sucked up the greatest volume of blood in one location. Tom, on the other hand, had made his own silverware by installing a tiny chopping rotor on the end of a titanium tube and forced it up the bovine’s nose. Taking lessons from Egyptian hieroglyphs translated into English, he duplicated the techniques of the ancient morticians who removed their mummies’ brains through the deceased’s nose. Within 15 minutes, the departed cow’s brain filled Tom’s stomach, and Bill’s body now had cow blood pulsing through his veins. His eyes turned gold, not because of the Guernsey’s color, but because it was just animal blood. Human hemoglobin will turn them red, thus color coordinating his eyes with his apparel.  Culinarily satisfied, the 2 impostors slipped off into the evening and walked the streets of Chicago drunk with happiness. No one really messes with a rent-a-Claus having a good time. Back at their respective hotels, the dietary-tainted Santas agreed to meet the next morning and partake in a 5-star farewell meal. They were going to dine on a non-significant human and cultural Chicago had a lot of them to offer. The following day, Tom and Bill were dressed in full regalia and carried their big red gift bags to dispose of the table scraps.

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