BABY BOATS II

7/14/2020

Placing one’s entire family on display is a fairly new American pastime, compliments of capitalism. In the old days, a father would put his daughters on display in the hopes of getting them married off, without revealing just how many sons he had, so his enemies could not know his exact strength in a time of war. Back then, and still somewhat today, you would use your daughters to gain allies in times of discord. In modern times, with less tribal confrontations, men are proud to show off their sexual prowess in the form of family displays. Nowhere is it more fitting to do this ritual than on the water, where one can get within yards of someone’s personal property. In AAMerica (All About Money), federal law has dictated that no one can own a natural lake or waterway, so if one can get access, you’ll have a captive audience to display your semen success to (your brood). As pontoon boats get bigger, with more load carrying ability due to additional pontoons and horsepower, the more offspring can be carried. So, cousins, nieces, and nephews are thrown on to impress the masses. In the future, when all finished goods are shipped underground via Elan Mosque’s Boring Machine’s extensive underground tunnel complex, the former Mississippi River barge system will be freed up. Taking into consideration that future marriages last about 4 years (like a high school education), stepbrothers and stepsisters will fill the decks of a 15-barge assembly. Picture a 7,000-horsepower pusher tug propelling the 6,275 members of the Smith clan up the Mississippi River near the quad cities. Music will be blasting, women will be dancing, and men will be thinking about courting one of these new maidens that have 12 kids in tow with 8 different names. Lawn chairs, umbrellas, and cocktails will coat the barges and shorelines, as the “boasting boats” slowly ply the waters in front of the entertained shore crowds. They hold up numbers, between 1 and 10, as they proudly cruise by. 

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