BABY BOATS

7/13/2020

All summer long, the people parades take place on rivers and inland lakes. This ritual has grown immensely after the invention of the pontoon boat in 1951, and continues to fill reservoirs to the point where they are pushing water over the spillways. In America, the 4th of July is the ultimate parade of decorated, floating platforms of beverages, sandwiches, fireworks, and offspring. Spaced between 2 cylindrical sealed tubes, with a flat deck, is a hefty outboard engine to propel the gang in eloquent fashion. Not to be outdone by small families with power boats, they’ve introduced a 3-hulled version with 2 monster motors that can get grampa to a toilet in record time. The best place for viewing is either the shoreline, where you can impress the landlubbers with your motorized, fertilized, seed show, also known as your family; or, the other location is the no wake channels that bring the competition head-to-head in a close quarters passing maneuver, known as: LOOK AT ME. With all the family members leaving their petty differences on the shore, they are in full regalia sporting designer sunglasses, fashionable swimwear, and cute babies decked out in sailor hats and shades. The little tykes lack floatation devices due to the fact that those bulky units would make them look fat.  No worries. If junior would somehow manage to fall in, the entire family would jump to the rescue. It’s all about the next generation. As the competitors smile smugly and wave like pompous queens, the passing pontoons size each other up. Deep in their hearts, they know that they have the best boats, the prettiest women, more money, and by God, the cutest babies ever born unto this fantastic planet. On the way home in their SUV’s at the end of the day, they all smile face ripping grins, knowing they trashed the competition and beat the snot out of those losers. The pride will falter at 2AM, when junior craps his pontoon food into his designer diaper. Ahoy matey, anchors aweigh! 

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