ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG

10/28/2018

This modified phrase, written by Herodotus in 445 BCE, tells of a tale of 2 selfless boys who hooked themselves up to a oxen yoke and pulled their disabled mother to town. They were rewarded by the jealous goddess Hera, who put them to sleep, never to awaken. WHOM THE GODS LOVE, DIE YOUNG. To counteract this proverb, a sampling of suggestions is listed to ensure longevity: Have a total disregard for those who strive for greatness and disrupt anyone’s attempt to be helpful. Sabotage civility and lay waste to teacher’s attempts to educate the children. Direct mobility challenged geriatrics into high-speed truck traffic and saturate their meals with antifreeze. Volunteer your time at nursing homes and put poison ivy in their diapers. Teach swear words to immigrants who wish to speak English and have them direct their new vocabulary at nuns. Cut 3/4 way through swing set chains and crap in the sandbox at the playground. Pull fire alarms and pour grease at the exits. Remove the bolts from stroller handles in hilly terrain. Put WANTED BY THE A.T.F. stickers on pictures of Mother Teresa and decorate churches with Halloween themes. Remove all Stop signs and replace with 55MPH placards. Install Guillotines in urinals and sandblast all the fur off kittens and puppies. Heat up handrails on stairs to 185°C. and coat theater seats with crude oil and cactus thorns. Connect fire hydrants to chemical processing pipes at a refinery and start a fire. Soak tampons in Tabasco sauce. Replace home plate with an anvil and reverse the spikes of golf shoes to go inwards. Unbolt all car and airplane seats. Place shards of picture tubes into TV dinners. Bury land mines in cemeteries, and fill box cars with nuclear waste and park them in school yards. Scrap all musical instruments and install kazoos in the crotches of underwear. Refrigerate the gloves of Proctologists before use and soak restaurant napkins in plutonium. LIVE LONG AND PROSPER. 

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