10/29/2018
Fumbling through life for decades, one starts to see a familiar pattern slowly emerging, NICE GUYS FINISH LAST and ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG. So, in order to join those vicious, thieving, selfish pricks that live well into their 90’s, additional helpful hints are listed below to guarantee robustness and resiliency: Castrate any male who shows weakness by volunteering. Shuttle birds with broken wings over to the cat farm. Scrape burn victim’s scabs with SOS pads soaked in lacquer thinner. Create a diversion and steal all the Girl Scout cookies set up in front of a Wartmart. Reverse the gas and brake pedal on someone’s car, and then later, reverse them again. Hook up a doorbell to 480 volts. Insert double edge razor blades on the inside rim of a hula hoop. Fill a balloon with gasoline and throw it at a smoker. Fill a wedding cake with rancid fish guts and donate it. Remove all the manhole covers on the route of a marathon race. Install video cameras in high school bathroom stalls and televise the footage to another competing high school. Redirect the hospital road signs to send panicking, injured people to the landfill. Loosen the bolts on an airplane propeller. Reverse the flow of water on luxury cruise ships’ bilge pumps. Have a company picnic in a high crime area and invite all the local felons. Give the kindergarteners real pistols with live ammo for recess. Paint jalapeño peppers to resemble suppositories and dispense them at airports. Duct tape ceiling fans to the ceilings in assisted living facilities. Drill holes in the bottom of sewer lines passing over the commercial kitchen area. Corrupt all early pregnancy tests to show positive. Release hundreds of chimpanzees into a dog show. Sew wedding dresses together with threads soaked in battery acid. Serve barbecued baby harp seals to attendees at an animal activist rally. Cut down old growth redwoods with the head of a beaver mounted on a Sawzall blade. STAND BACK!
Torked Truth 