With terms like hypoallergenic, all natural, and organic that are used by the 50-to-80-billion-dollar cosmetic industry, more truthful words should be substituted. Formaldehyde (cancer causing), propylparabens (disrupts endocrine production), and lead acetate (does lead poisoning ring a bell?), are common chemicals used in a poorly regulated industry. The only product that should be plastered on the face of a woman should come from an organic, natural source and be applied fresh from the factory where it originated from. Nothing is more intimate and confidential than a personalized load of DNA delivered, Dickey on the spot. Containing proteins and natural antibiotics, it’s as healthy as it gets. Cosmetics, on the other hand, is a game of Russian Roulette with the largest organ in the human body, the skin. After years of caking this crusty crap all over their pristine puss, time will drag their whole face down and leave sagging tethers of wrinkled dermis that can endanger an older woman’s life if she makes the fatal mistake of sticking her head out of the vehicle window at freeway speeds. Highway death tolls do not reveal the hundreds of women who died of broken necks, when that 50MPH or more wind catches their turkey necks and snaps their head violently to the side, killing them instantly. Some women combat this dilemma by eating train loads of fatty foods, thereby filling in all voids with a plump layer of cellulite chins, sometimes up to 20 of them, to avoid BNS (broken neck syndrome). This prevents BNS, but the poor woman, who looks like she swallowed a watermelon and it got caught in her throat, now has to go through life with a blimp gluing her head to her body. Not appealing unless you’re a zeppelin pilot. Ladies, in order to stay safe, merely ask any gentleman in the room to apply some natural makeup to your face. They will be happy to oblige your request and will bring back that old chivalry that disappeared decades ago.

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