CARS XIII

12/28/2018

There was mention of slowing down time so that people wouldn’t be in such a hurry to get where they’re going. This would drastically reduce accidents, both minor and devastating fatalities. Auto insurance rates would NOT go down, as the greedy CEOs would just give themselves bigger raises. The good news is that the government will take the increased salaries through taxes and then the IRS officials will give themselves more money, thereby leaving the little guy alone. The idea of just doubling the time interval of one second is stupid, as people will adapt to the new standards rapidly. If you give humans more time, the vast majority will just figure out a way to burn it up, while the ambitious ones will make more loot and buy houses for their Monopoly boards. One scientific way to slow time is to travel near the speed of light. This doesn’t work either, in that during the rapid acceleration process that must take place to attain this speed, their clothes would be ripped off. This would excite most males if driving next to a hot chick, but shortly after that, their skin would be pulled from their disintegrating skeletons. The only feasible method is to slow the rotation of the earth down so that it will now takes 48 hours to complete 1 revolution. The solution is to take every car ever manufactured that is still running and face them all westward, bumper to bumper. At one given time, the billion plus autos punch the pedal, applying a slowing torque to the normally counterclockwise rotation of the earth as viewed from Polaris. Slowly, the earth would decelerate, and the day would grow longer. As a fringe benefit, because there are more muscle cars in North America than anywhere else on earth, the North American plate would slam into the European plate. This would push most of the water in the Atlantic Ocean to spill into lowland regions east of the Rocky Mountains creating many lakes. Little green plastic houses would fill the shorelines. 

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