VALHALLA

8/23/2020

Norse mythology is as unique and diverse as any Greek, Roman, or Egyptian beliefs of gods. Living in territories of sparse resources, the Vikings survived by pillaging nearby villages of their food stocks and made off with select women to renew their lineages. Their entire life revolved around war and combat and, thus, their gods reflected such beliefs. Honor to a Viking was to die in battle and be selected by the 12 Valkyries (handmaidens) of Odin (the god of Asgard). They were then transported to the exquisite hall of Valhalla, where they fought daily and were magically unscathed after battle. The warriors ate boar and drank mead in the evenings and awoken every morning to repeat the ritual. Only half of the slain went there while the other half ended up in Folkvanger. The remaining Vikings who died of disease and old age went to Hel. Valhalla was the most prestigious of the 3 locations because they never died. They only trained for a bigger battle in the future known as Ragnorak. In western societies, as the new Viking warriors fight for freeway lane positions and convenient parking slots, a need has arisen for honoring these soldiers of corporate greed. When they die, funeral homes, employing females dressed like Valkyries, are standing by to ascertain whether they are worthy of Valhalla. A check of 5 figures guarantees them a trip to Asgard and a boat to float their corpse to such a prominent place is ordered. Keeping in pace with tradition, the ship is constructed of Nordic timbers (old wooden screens of a demolished Scandinavian Chalet). The screens are heavily coated in Flex Seal to attain water tightness and provides the intense petroleum-based fuel to cremate the corpse. As family and friends stand on the banks of the flooded drainage ditch behind the funeral home, the vessel is ignited and the office warrior’s soul is consumed in a ritual of unsurpassed honor as the recently deceased, coffee and donut Viking sails his way to Valhalla. 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s