More than half (60%) of the human body is water, which makes our bodies more of a boat than a mammal. This vessel is commanded by the Captain (your brain), and if your gender is male, the Captain resides in the control room, down by the periscope, and in control of the all-important torpedo. Humans have an affinity for water and wish to reside on the shores of a lake, river, or ocean just to be close to the creatures we evolved from 375 million years ago: Fish. In the old days, living next to water was vital for congregating civilizations. We set upriver camps that gave us water for cooking and washing away wastes. Modern plumbing has allowed cities to appear nearly everywhere, including deserts and mountain tops, but the prime real estate is the waterfront property and buying one will put you underwater financially. These overpriced, worn out, ancient lake homes will have high taxes, high maintenance costs, and hi end neighbors to boot.  You will also need to spend a small fortune on boats, piers, sea walls, and guest accommodations just so you can enjoy the water you live next to. With a tiny lake frontage, you will be within ear shot of your nosey neighbors that can hear your every word that’s spoken on the dense, still air over the water. Lake property then becomes the Olympics of backstabbing and criticism. Inherent to all Caucasian communities, committees will be formed to collect funds necessary for lake level maintenance, algae control, and compliance regulations. Then, the state will install a public boat launch so that, for $7, every city asshole can come out on your lake, drink alcohol, speed, and eye up your shit as they case the well-to-do’s houses for things that they might need. After 10 years of paying on an astronomical mortgage, a tiny dent in the principle shows up on your net worth, and then you’ll be looking at 60 grand to reroof, remodel, and replace the driveway and deck. If you love the water that much, be practical; just regrow gills.

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