Check List: Tent? Check. Sleeping bags? Check. Lantern? Check. Bug Spray? Check. Smores? Check. Enough beer and booze to inebriate Russia? Double check. When camping, the essentials need to be carried in, or you’ll risk being thrown out by the MAN, who frowns on someone interrupting his donut time. The whole purpose of this exercise is to get in touch with nature and walk amongst the inspiring beauty that nature has bestowed in this fantastic landscape… Bullshit! You are out there because you are young, you want to get drunk, and you want to get laid. Young people can only see the beauty in a sexual quest. Their mind hasn’t had enough experience on this planet to see the wonders of nature rainbowed across the Beauty Pageant of Life. As they hike up a hill, the young men are in the back to catch any slipping young ladies… Bullshit! They are checking out those shapely, hump mattresses that are just up the path, wiggling provocatively. Foolish questions are slid down the hill so the young breeders can analyze the stupidity of their quarry just below them. “Are there any bears around here?”, inquires the petite blond. “Ya. Big ones, but I’ll protect you”, replies her potential boyfriend. In reality the women are in front, just in case there is real bear. This will give the gladiators extra time to get the f*ck out of there. One of the boyfriends saw fit to load up 2 of the girls’ backpacks with bacon, just in case. After a 4-hour hike, and never stopping once to view wildlife, the group missed the Nature News’ helicopter, scanning the forest floor. “Looks like another traffic jam on westbound, folks.” “There’s an overturned toad in the left lane, but the ants are aggressively removing the wreckage, and it’ll be cleared up shortly.” They also missed a pair of spectacular, mating eagles that would have given the group courage for tonight’s attempt. But alas, the group is returning back to the canvas bar and will consume an elixir of youth & human purpose: ALCOHOL.

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