S.A.D. SACKS

11/30/2020

Guy and Kim went to the gym and worked out until 4 in the morning. When Bill and Jill showed up for their drill, the other 2 left without warning. Approximately 8% of the population is a group that suffers from Social Anxiety Disorder, or SAD for short. Uncomfortable in the presence of strangers and having an inability to converse with other people, their solution is to have no contact whatsoever. These negative traits are usually attributed to bad childhood experiences such as being exposed to bullying, belittling, and embarrassment. The scarring situations have carried through to adulthood and have made social gatherings for these sufferers difficult. The medical society has stepped up to the plate and provides consultation and therapy for a fee. This usually consists of a guy in a sports coat who sits in a chair and asks you how you feel for $195/hour. You can get the same treatment in a bar if you buy the person next to you a steady supply of human solvents (booze). Also available are a host of pharmaceuticals that can be prescribed to lessen the effects of SAD with a 6-page printout of side effects that include loose stools, dry cough, and death. However, a recent breakthrough has surfaced that forgoes all these medical interventions. This miracle cure is known as Covid 19. No longer having to be creative in your excuses to avoid groups of congregated humans, Covid 19 is the perfect solution. Do you need to attend your uncle Frank’s funeral? Covid. Is your nephew Tom getting married? Sorry, Covid. Is it Cousin Tammy’s daughter, Dawn’s graduation next month? Damn, I’ll be in quarantine. Covid. No need to dream up bullshit; just respond with, “Covid,” and you’re off the hook. If a vaccine became available that would defeat this pandemic and return life to normal for a SAD sufferer, they would then be obligated to intermingle with the masses again and become uncomfortable. No problem. Coming down the pike is Covid 20, Covid 21, Covid 22, ………. 

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