KITTY KATS

6/5/2021 

Since 1947, when man’s second greatest invention was revealed, cats lived mostly outside and were tolerated to control varmint population as gardening was an essential component of survival back then. With the introduction of kitty litter by a spill salesman, this lone individual from Michigan paved the way for welcoming the feline pet into the great indoors. Distributing sand, sawdust, and clay to industrial clients to clean up liquid spills at these locations, he merely gave his female neighbor a small sample of a specialized clay that absorbs its weight in liquid. That incident caused him to live the rest of his life in affluent neighborhoods. Replacing sand that froze in winter and ashes that tracked everywhere the cat ventured, this new (old) product made its distributor rich and opened the floodgates to domesticated cats living a life of luxury in people’s houses. Roughly 1 out of 3 people in the US have a feline companion. This doesn’t mean that every 3rd house on a block is home to an animal that sleeps 12-16 hours a day. It is just an average and is distorted by that fact that in nearly every neighborhood is a cat lady that skews the numbers. These crazy, female freaks, through no fault of their own, directed their female mothering instincts to an army of meowing mammals. Due to some mismanaged neuron wiring circuits, they dedicated their lives to supporting their 6 or more “children” living in their house. Perhaps it was a bad marriage, sterility, or the inability to find a suitable mate that drove these women into becoming a crazy cat lady. They are usually widows and nearly always elderly and, if at 1 time in their life they were married, the husband, who has died, was conveniently cremated to keep the funeral costs to a minimum. He is now in a somber urn on the mantel. Upon closer examination, the contents of those urns reveal they are the collected dirt of the WELCOME mat outside. Old Joe has been scattered into the litter boxes for many years.

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