JUICE BOX KILLERS

6/15/2021   

In the 1980’s, a marketing firm and a carton manufacturer teamed up to produce a thirst quencher for young children. This sweet reward came in a package resembling a small brick and was directed at the X generation’s children, known as millenniums. As the generations progressed through the 20th century, each succeeding one disciplined their offspring in a more humane manner. By the time the 80’s hit, the pacified and coddled babies grew up in a world of emotional reinforcement and praise. Sporting events gave everyone trophies just for showing up and any physical activity required a juice box as a reward. This 6-ounce sugar bomb contained glucose, fructose, lactose, and sucrose with just enough water to mix the whole concoction into a chemical solution and delivered it to the stomach where it turned it in to pure euphoria. These juice box delights were handed out like buckets at a fire brigade and once started, nothing would put out the fire of a sugar high. After every minor assignment, including breathing, juice boxes were dispensed, and parents and children sat around in a love huddle congratulating each other just for having clear skin and white teeth. Now after 30 or 40 years these children get to be adults in a dog-eat-dog world of non-stop money harvesting and materialistic hoarding. How did that experiment work? Perfect. Those that survived drive flimsy, non-biodegradable cars made out of recycled juice boxes that have an estimated 20-year life cycle. They live in drywall and glue castles (houses) that will just collapse after that glue breaks down, 50 years from now. Those that didn’t fell by the wayside, killed by themselves and their dealers. They sugared up with the juice boxes of today called fentanyl and have succeeded in surpassing the death rate of those that die in vehicle collisions by nearly double. This deserves a group hug, verbal congratulations, and a juice box treat of easily obtainable and cheap opioids. Way to go gang!! 

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