PIGMATION

8/4/2021

It’s been a long time since humans have come up with a new religion in which to sink their beliefs into. In North America, there is a new creed that instills: “do whatever you want” attitude during your “alive” years. But as soon as you die, your vessel (body) belongs to a 4-legged deity that will transform you from a former lifeform to a sacred, digested meal. The transitional ritual is called PIGMATION. It consists of turning over your lifeless body within 72 hours to a PIGMATION chapel. These locations are placed in all 50 states and are no more than 2 hours away from any major city. It is an environmentally clean alternative to cremation (that process sends pollutants into the atmosphere). The ritual itself is quite simple in that electronically fenced pigs are given free range on a 200-acre farm comprised of a minimum of 6 starvation diet pigs available day and night. Their sole purpose is to rapidly consume the body of a recently deceased religious member and, in time, convert this individual to a flavorful treat known as bacon. These pork bellies are the transition zones where the human spirit is converted into a delicious breakfast treat that accents and augments the eggs of chickens or the flesh of tomatoes with a lettuce garnish (BLT). This food of the gods is the ultimate example of unencumbered free life without tithing obligations during your brief existence on earth. In exchange, you sacrifice your now useless, dead shell as a trade for that privilege. It is an honor to have the holy hogs disassemble your former self that perpetrated all the sins that you have caused. The purge is an intensely religious experience that should be witnessed by the friends and family of the newly transformed Pigmation Saint and will forever be remembered for its visceral visibility. Singing hymns honoring these posthumous gladiators at these rituals are encouraged but are totally optional. Good religions today are all about gallant and favorable choices.

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