FERTILIZERS III

12/15/2021   

When a new technology comes into the world, financially hungry humans are quick to jump on the damn wagon. With decrepit, old Baby Boomers spilling into the halls of the Assisted Dying Domiciles, the raw materials for direct-shit-salvaging operations are in a surplus mode. As truckloads of Teflon infused pantyhose hit the loading docks of the Creaky-Weaky Castles, the staff starts installing these natural fertilizer extractors on their guests. Suspended inches above their beds by a layer of fecal drying compressed air, let the shit-laden loafs begin to do something productive. Constantly being fed wilty vegetables and past due-date supermarket stock, the old farts are now finally viable again. As they lay suspended above their “harvesters,” the pantyhose extruder gang starts hammering out loads and loads of loads. As the caterpillar crap comes through the different size meshes, the shit is sorted, bagged, and shipped out. As new specification orders come in, the diet and pantyhose sizes can be fine-tuned to satisfy the demands of the cash customers. Fed with cat food and using standard mesh hosiery, the finished product will be sent off to accelerate vegetable growth in California’s Imperial Valley. Whereas feeding the “herds” with rank, old hot dogs and using fishnet stockings, these fertilizers will be sent off to landscaper tree farms to encourage healthy stock for subdivision specimens. Corn is 1 of the few foods that can only be used on fishnet wearers as this product clogs the machinery of finer hoses. This money-making operation is not limited to just the geriatric crowd. A smart woman named Jamie Kringe saw opportunity to make extra money for college for her 2 children. Wearing pantyhose by the day and harvesting the fertilizers at night, she amassed a small fortune and both of her kids graduated with honors from Ivy League Institutions.  One is a rocket scientist, and the other is a chemist doing research by converting crap into cosmetics. 

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