A little known fact in the process of aging is that an unknown virus attacks the telomeres at the very ends of the DNA strands. As they destroy the integrity of the organic glue that holds the 2 strands together, they soon unravel and cell replication becomes flawed. This damage is the reason for aging. People look young and move with gazelle precision up to their early 50’s, and then something happens. They become infected with the Old Fart Virus (OFV) and then they rapidly get ugly and lose effortless mobility due to their parasitic invader, OFV. Hair falls out, the senses fail, organ performance is drastically reduced, and social interactions are severed because these little bastards are uncoiling the code of life. Left unchecked, this decay will always end in death for the victim. From our last encounter with the most recent pandemic known as COVID 19, people are much more receptive to preventative methods to keep this ugly invader out of our bodies and extend usefulness forever. The main problem here is: ignorance of the problem. When you hug gramma, this infected lady will now infect you and the disease expands exponentially. The only people who are immune to this age progression virus are people 30 years or younger and rich people from the entertainment industry. They will not age until they drop their guard and hug an old fart. The cure for this slow-acting, and very debilitating, disease is to stay at least 3′ from these old lepers. Due to the fact that their diaphragms have been compromised by this disease, they do not possess enough lung force to expel the viral invaders beyond this distance. You can be in the same room with these old koots and as long as you don’t encroach on this deadly distance, you’re fine. Unhealthy compassion that persuades foolish individuals to hug their infected parents causes them to be infected. A device exists to prevent this recurrence and should be carried at all times. It is called: a marching band baton.