The onslaught of that sad and slow assassin of youth, known as old age, is now understood to be a viral attack on the DNA contained within the individual cells. It accomplishes this destruction by dissolving the chemicals that fuse the ends of those long strands together. Shortly after this attack, the life form deteriorates and it becomes a toboggan slide into the grave. Once infected, the creature never gets better, only older and more decrepit. You should never hug these death spreaders as you too will become an aging blob of protoplasm with no promise of ever being a viable member of society again. As stated previously, keep a minimum of 3′ of distance between you and that wrinkled wreck of a human. A marching band baton (MBB) is the perfect instrument for maintaining this distance. Merely extend it out from your hand to the closest part of that ancient elephant in the room and do NOT let them get any closer. The baton is reasonably priced and is compassionately designed with rubber tips to prevent injury to either party. Do not use police batons as these are specifically engineered to inflict injury. Just ask Rodney King; never mind….he’s dead. The MBB can be carried with a special holster at your side and can be worn either inside or outside clothing similar to a firearm. More expensive models retract down to pocket or purse size and can expand to 3′ spacers with the push of a button. As everyone adjusts to the new preventative measures, people will practice with their batons and will, in time, get quite adept with their usage. Walking through airports where old people have been banned, unless they travel in pressurized coffins down in the luggage compartment, 1 will see many people throwing their batons high in the air and catching them. Some families will create choreographed displays of precision and skill that will wow the audiences. These participants could very well become contestants on the program: America’s Got Unbridled Talent.

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