CHILI CREMATIONS

1/16/2022    

Funeral homes have just obtained the tackiness of a Sibling Dating (feed and breed) Service. They have reached into the bottom of the basket of marketing tricks and found a way to increase sales, just like a Subway Sandwich gift card. Rather than sit and wait for a person to die, and then be notified by the grieving family for their expert services in launching the deceased into their new afterlife, these Easy Bake Oven outfits are utilizing chili cookoffs to attract potential customers into their parlors. These spicey funeral homes now send out post cards in the dead of winter to potential northern climate customers who became accustomed to chili meals when the outside temperatures drop. Their sales force now coax the walking dead into coming into their establishments without a gurney or Hearst assist. Their intention is to feed you free chili in order to sign on for their high intensity incubators when you become morgue bound. Statistically speaking, January, February, and December lead the list for the most deaths in America at approximately 8400 per day. That’s a sizeable town a day to cremate. Now, with the chili incentive to sway the crowd to their “cooking castles,” they now have a leg up (and the rest of the anatomy) on the competition. It won’t be long before those flapping, air-dancer men banners and balloons decorate the future human smelter’s parking lots and have an office inside for a loan officer to give you the best rates. You can go in and kick the casket, select an undercoating, and decide whether you want to be cremated with gas or electric fuel. Coffin accessories will be on display with the MSRP sticker prices clearly visible so as to promote negotiations and give the customer his last satisfaction of an outstanding deal before he goes up in smoke. ALL sales are final. This experiment, if it flies, will then continue seasonally through the year with hot dogs and soda dispensed in the lax summer months when death numbers drop. 

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