As the parched Grant’s Gazelles cautiously approached the river of life, the Nile Crocodiles launched off the banks and kicked it into the extreme stealth mode. Submerged in the muddy waters, they wait patiently for a reckless ungulate to push their fragile luck and get within striking range. Driven by thirst, water is required to keep the animal in breeding form and its sole purpose, like all the mammals, is to reproduce. As the cute Gazelles pull up to the watering hole (bar) to find a mate or some lonely soul to buy them drinks, the Crocks slowly slip over to their locations to put the moves on their quarry. When the timing is perfect (inebriated victim), the toothy monsters jump on their poor victims and its curtains. It looks as though the Crocks are trying to internally stab their prey to death, but the Grant’s Gazelles have a secret weapon. Just like the Komodo Dragon, they possess a bacterial laden saliva delivered by the “kiss of death” (blow job) that, over time, incapacitates their attacker. The tables are turned, and the predator now becomes the prey. The long, gradual death of the male has been documented extensively, as the female Gazelles puff up like an angered porcupine and keep getting fatter and meaner with time. The male Crocks retreat to their man caves and deteriorate slowly due to the anticoagulants and sepsis bacteria that was administered to them during their oral encounter. As they bleed out and weaken in an agonizing ritual of demise, the similarities between the David and Goliath fable become apparent. It’s not the size of the male in a fight that determines the victor, but rather the venom delivered to the male in a bite that decides the winner. At the Crocodile’s funeral, the fat Gazelle shows up with “Crocodile tears” as if to say she’s sad. Sad that her sparring partner will no longer supply any competition. In time, the Gazelle will trim down and head over to the good, old Watering Hole for a brand-new Crock of shit. 

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