Recently, a major fast food corporation has just brought a new product into mainstream America and the country hasn’t been this excited since the blue M&M’s were introduced in 1995. The blue ones replaced the orange ones, that replaced the red ones, that supposedly caused cancer and was discontinued in 1976. The new American cuisine to hit the grease kitchens of 5-star dive-through (not a misprint) dining is the plant-based meat cylinder known as the the IMPROBABLE HOT DOG. This miracle fake meat does not contain any lips, ears, udders, penises or vulvas of butchered mammals of our current stock. Instead it is derived from the carpels and stamens of edible flowers and is low in fat and high in fiber, important factors in today’s health conscious, obese Americans. Using protein glues, artificial colors and flavors and a few experimental pharmaceuticals to enhance the addiction factors, these wonder weenies are today’s answer to enhancing the age-old art of turning waste into food. Now when Grandpa gets the gripper and the florist shop sells you on a $200, Rose Remembrance Tribute, this bouquet will not get callously tossed in the dumpster when the old goat goes underground to become worm pudding. Under contract with DOGGY QUEEN, the purveyor of this tasty phallic symbol, the FLU-ER POO-ER Company rips out the sex organs of these bouquets and redirects their life-giving chemistry into a satisfying automobile meal. As long as these modern hot dogs are heavily saturated in mustard, ketchup, relish and onions, no one can tell the difference between an old, beef parts wiener and the brand new, DEAL-DOUGHS, as they are sometimes called. When twisted blue and orange dandelions start growing out of your ass, please keep all your proof of purchases of this particular delicacy. In the immediate future, you will be included as a plaintiff in a record setting, class action lawsuit that will make the evil nicotine barons look like canonized Saints.

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