Of the 25 genera of chipmunks, 24 of these are found in North America. The Eastern version of these ‘chippies’ being the most abundant here, have an average life span of 3 years, and produce about 4 or 5 little offspring twice a year, (spring and summer). Chipmunks, unfortunately  all share an inborn genetic trait of being highly addicted to the fermented fluid contained in an extracted human eyeball, (the aqueous humor) or what they refer to as LIQUID LAUGHTER. All species display a unique ability and a built-in genius for solving complex mathematical quandaries rapidly. If a human confronts a scurry of chipmunks, a chipping sound emanates from the inquisitive group. These high frequency computer sounds are nothing more than rapid calculations being made to determine the odds of successfully disconnecting the eye from the ignorant intruder. The invader’s size, physical prowess, and eye color of the human are analyzed, along with the hunting skill level and total number of chipmunks that are on hand. A calculated decision is then made as to whether or not an attack is to be executed with an auspicious outcome. The chipmunks are always looking to get the upper hand, and has led to astute tactics, such as burrowing alongside a foundation or chewing a structural element, so as to collapse the dwelling that the humans inhabits and rush him when injured or dazed. Since the development of caged cribs and the release of the BABY BRIAN video, where an unlucky infant was filmed being dragged down a hole, chipmunks no long have ‘easy pickins’ and have to calculate much more intricate computations. An interview was recently obtained from a dying, chipmunk who wished to clear his conscience. He admitted that hazel eyes were the most sought after. “It has a rich, Bourbon color and a nutty flavor that stimulates the palate; lively and robust”. He said the second favorite was blue eyes. “They possess a fruity and vibrant taste that explodes in your mouth.”

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