These horizontally striped members of the rodent family Sciuridae, are found only in the temperate climates of the northern hemisphere. Their small size and cute facial features hide an evil and insidious trait understood by few. As these evil creatures progressed thru evolution, they inherited an expanding set of cheeks and an omnivorous diet, that occasionally includes human eyeballs. It appears that the semi-viscous liquid within the eye (aqueous humor), once removed from the donor, will within 15 days, ferment into a malt beverage that acts like heroin in the chipmunk’s brain. It’s rear legs with barbed claws are designed to grip into its victim’s face while the front grasping claws have sharp hooks to grasp and extract the human eye from its victim. The ‘chippy’s’ teeth are engineered to quickly cut through the optic nerve behind the eye and their elastic cheeks can carry a pair of “baby blues” off to their hidden drug dens. Up until the early 1940’s chipmunks have carried off many human newborns because their very young put up the least amount of resistance. Baby cribs were designed with closely spaced vertical bars on the side rails to prevent this. Recently, an unknown photographer filmed a human infant being dragged down a hole by a scurry of chipmunks in order to give them more time to extract the newborn’s eyeballs. Once this video went viral, he was quickly located and his sorry ass was instantly hanged from a rural stop sign with his own camera strap by members of MADC (Mothers Against Drunken Chipmunks), for not giving assistance to prevent it. The poor soul was only looking for a Pulitzer Prize in photography and was working on the shock factor. Evidently he succeeded, as his raven ravaged face was posted on the internet until the squeamish called the powers to be and both sites were removed immediately. This murder case is still pending on a Criminal Court docket and awaits trial as they are still looking for an unbiased attorney. 

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