HOARDING

3/25/2020

With the pandemic growing, the urge to stockpile food is exploding in America. Supermarket shelves in the beginning have been stripped bare of most essentials but are now being replenished by the supermarket industry that is doing a fantastic job of keeping the Twinkies and Soda flowing into our 4 chinned faces. Canned goods with enough salt inside to melt the ice off the poles are rolling their way into the pantries and basements of average Americans who fear that they might miss one of their 3-5 course or their 5-3 course meals. Food in this country is NOT a problem. With the loss of sit-down restaurants and pub burger bars due to the deadly Covid-19, people are still given the freedom to roll their one-ton capacity SUV’s to the drive-up windows of one of 250,000 fast food buildings that adorn our 50 states. There is an underlying fear that these may close or that driving privileges will be revoked by government agencies. To protect themselves, people are going to multiple stores and are filling one full shopping cart per store so as not to alert the Hoarding Nazi Swat Teams. Cameras and intelligent software are everywhere, so wigs are worn, limps are feigned, and backs are bent to lower the face and prevent discovery by the authorities. The trouble is the patrons want their credit card points, so the geniuses pull out their plastic cards and get their information loaded into the database. Swat teams converge on their residence and the silly slickers get incarcerated, while their booty is confiscated and distributed amongst the policing force to stimulate enforcement. The real professionals use covet tactics to avoid detection. Besides using disguises, renting different cars, paying with cash and only filling their carts 3/4 of the way full, they stuff their pants with terrycloth towels to absorb the gas released when farting. This defeats the methane detectors set up near the exits to catch overeating Americans. Fat ass profiling, so far, is illegal. 

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