RATTLESNAKES

2/3/2017

Walking around anywhere south of the 55th parallel in North America could potentially put you in the path of one of 36 different species of rattlesnakes (suborder: Serpentes). The majority use a modified saliva (venom) that contains a hemotoxin that destroys tissue and disrupts blood clotting, while others create a presynaptic neurotoxin that causes paralysis and death. Either one scares the hell out of humans because the snake is portrayed in some religions as a representation of the devil. Rightly so. The first response is to immediately kill it and throw its body out of harm’s way, but this an uneducated reaction to panic. A more rational and financially lucrative decision would be to farm them. It could be corralled easily with a low glass fence to keep it on the property for future harvest. A snake’s diet consists mainly of small mammals, which could be obtained for free by placing an ad in Craigslist. Merely state to the readers that a humane location is available for them to release captured urban and suburban mice, rats, squirrels, chipmunks, gerbils, hamsters, parakeets, kittens, and puppies. Just don’t let these soft-hearted people in your glass-fenced backyard. With an ample food supply, a little know how in animal husbandry, and climate control, your farm will be busting at the seams with big, fat scrumptious, savory, and succulent rattlesnakes. Next, strike a deal with a competent and clever machine designer to construct an apparatus that milks the venom for sale to pharmaceutical companies, extracts the hide intact for sale to high-end purse and shoe manufacturers, and finally, guts and debones the carcass to extract the meat. A little seasoning and preservative addition will make this delicious delicacy ready for shipment worldwide. With a unique chicken like flavor, this new low fat and low cholesterol sensation will be marketed to those health-conscious individuals. The masses will see these franchises slithering into the mainstream. 

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