DOGS

1/12/2017

If there is an animal who operates on both sides of the spectrum, it is the dog. Bred for the sensory pleasure of human beings, they start out as a puppy: cute as a button and humorous as hell with their unstable movements and hilarious facial expressions, as they learn to navigate the physical world and to interact with other animals. YouTube abounds with puppy footage and the antics of full-grown dogs. It would be a career in itself, just to watch them all. The responsibility of training the pup, once it is weaned, usually belongs to the person who adopted it. Housebreaking is the most important aspect if your canine is going to live under your roof. It is a reflection of you if your home smells like an outhouse. Further training establishes the personality and obedience of the animal and creates a bond for life. Pleasure is derived from the owner knowing that a mix of food and attention will create an animal that will dedicate its life to its master, similar to a wife training her husband. Most dog owners will spend upwards of $100 per month on their panting pet, and statistics gathered during the last economic downturn (2008) show it is recession proof. The reward of a tail-wagging lifeform waiting for you at the door justifies the expense. The downside to this happy and healthy relationship is for the dog’s owner, having to witness on a daily basis, the beloved FIDO licking his anus and genitalia with the same tongue that licks their face. Occasionally, they get to observe ROVER regurgitating the semi-digested juices that he has spewed all over the bedroom floor. Speed is of the essence in cleaning this up, or you will be cringing when you see him licking it all back up. Finally, when SPOT disapproves of your dog food selection, he will sit on your expensive living room carpet, pull up his rear legs, and drag his asshole 15 feet down the center. It is then that you understand the word, DOG. Disgusting, Offensive and Gross. 

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