GERIATRIC HOBBIES

2/26/2017

This is a partial list of activities undertaken by you people who have recently transitioned into retirement. In order to stay active, and to make a bit of cash to ensure that an inheritance is available to your survivors, you will spend hours staying busy by performing the following: 1). Building useless yard art that occupies a good portion of your time in constructing and selling the crap. If you get the material for free, you will likely make about 8 cents per hour as you sit in the sun for 8 hours, trying to sell the shit. 2). Continue going to see the doctor until he finally finds something wrong with you, then you can tell your spouse, “SEE!” 3). Going on calculated walks to ensure that you do not start gaining weight. Start tacking on an extra mile to allow for the digestion of one Hostess Ho Ho. 4). Start gaining weight when the weather goes bad, and eating two Ho Ho’s, out of depression. 5). Getting into day trading in the ‘stuck market,’ After making a few dollars in the beginning, cockiness rears its ugly head and you are out a small fortune, in a PUMP AND DUMP scam. 6). Drink more alcoholic beverages to compensate for your financial losses and start gaining more weight. 7). In the winter, drive up to McDonald’s every day and consume a gallon of $1 coffee, then come home and urinate 98.6°F pee in all your toilets without flushing. The heat radiating from the commodes will lower your heating bill to pay for the extra gasoline. 8). In the summer, bring home a large beverage cup from McDonald’s filled with ice and pour it in the toilet. (See number 7). 9). You will single handedly clean up your city. You pick up any wrapper that catches your eye. This career ends quickly, when the Hershey wrapper that is in your hand was last used by a homeless person to wipe their ass.  l0). You incorporate your new technique for making a killing on the casino’s one-armed bandits. After a week, you can see that your offspring will have to bury your broke ass.

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