When a male officially proclaims his retirement from his lifelong occupation or career, he must prepare to enter a new world of existence. Ahead of him lies the following: lack of purpose, failing health, boredom, thoughts of uxoricide, loneliness, PAIN, frustration, thoughts of filicide, putting on a spare tire around your gut and ass, growing 5 chins (and covering it with a beard made from the hair that used to be on the top of your head), abandonment, loss of energy, loss of social interactions, PAIN, prostrate problems surfacing in the form of not being able to pee in a toilet (but having no problem pissing in your underwear), PAIN, having no tolerance for heat or cold, incontinence, constipation, inability to tolerate stupidity (especially your own), PAIN, realizing you are completely invisible in a public place, dreaming of a mass murder or suicide, loss of night driving ability, inability to park a car in a stall in one attempt, forgetfulness, noticing that you now stink with a unique odor, taking naps and waking up more tired, watching your teeth fall out, having more hair in your nose and ears than you have on your head, PAIN, spending your waking hours waiting for Judge Judy to come on so you can laugh when she yells at stupid people, realizing humans are doomed and hoping it takes place on your watch, watching your calendar fill up with senseless doctor appointments that accomplish nothing, PAIN, looking in the mirror at an ugly, old, decrepit geezer and realizing it’s you, looking for your keys, looking for your phone, and looking for your glasses (which are always found on the top of your head 10 minutes later), PAIN, thoughts of fratricide, thoughts of vicinuscide, farting in 10 second bursts and wondering if it was a solid, a liquid, or a gas, and of course, more PAIN. WELCOME TO RETIREMENT. YOU’VE EARNED IT AND NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY. YOU ANCIENT, USELESS, SLOW, CANTANKEROUS, BEWILDERED AND DECREPIT ANTIQUE.