TURTLES

11/1/2017

As members of the Testudine order of chordata reptiles and numbering 327 known species, turtles are an interesting lot. They can vary in size from 10 feet in length and 1 ton in weight (Leatherbacks), to 3 inches and 5 ounces fully grown (Padloper Tortoise). Their upper shell or carapace is an extension of their rib cages and joins to the bottom shell with boney bridges between the two. They are the inspiration for the military tank that uses tracks instead of clawed legs. A turtle was used in cartoon commercials by the military to promote civil defense propaganda with a song that says, DUCK AND COVER. The concept of a turtle retracting his head straight back under its vertebrae, during a thermonuclear release was an example of moronic military misinformation. The mascot should have been a mule under a mistletoe, because in a M.A.D. world, you would kiss your ass goodbye. Other cartoon figures were Touche Turtle, and Tooter Turtle, a bored, meek turtle, that relied on Mr. Wizard the Lizard, to magically propel him to some fantasy, only to wind up in a catastrophic situation. The retrieval chant by Mr. Wizard was militarily prophetic, “drizzle, drazzle, drozzle, drone, time for this one to get deboned.” In the Iraqi War, drone operators would chant the same mantra as a mini gun on a Predator tore a terrorist to shreds. Another set of famous turtles are the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. These heroes born from radioactive New York sewer sludge, and trained in ancient Oriental hand combat techniques, spent years fighting crime and influencing the X generation in their youth. They have succumbed to time and are now known as the Geriatric Cancerous Tai Chi Turtles who sit around a non-descript, nursing home, stretching and farting out musical chords, primarily in B-flat. There is talk in Hollywood of a new series called the “Leatherbacks.” These 1-ton, homosexual turtles, sit around and discuss in great depth, the current fashions and styles of leather apparel. 

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