DUNG BEETLES

3/25/2018       

These powerful, puny, poop processors are an amazing group of insects that fall into 3 groups: the dwellers, the tunnelers, and the rollers. The dwellers are a species that sniff out fresh(?) feces and bore full speed ahead into the steamy, precious pie. They eat their way into the dung pile, stopping only to nap when engorged and restart their quest upon awakening. They occasionally butt heads in their breakfast buffets, but they never get pooped out if their journey is disturbed. The tunnelers are savers and live amongst a group of fellow thieving bastards that will steal their “booty” if they turn their backs. Speed is of the essence as this group will grab a wad of warm doo-doo and take the prize over to a secret stash designed for their fecal fondue. The rollers are similar to the tunnelers but understand physics better and shave a spherical shape with their chisel heads. This beetle breed can then roll the raunch balls farther away and can use the stars and polarized light from the moon to navigate at night. A physics major with a minor in astronomy. The purpose of this operation changes somewhat in the mating season. The male bowler will form a sphere up to 10 times its weight and offer it to a female. If accepted, the female climbs aboard and the “stud” will push the honeymoon package backwards with its rear legs, somewhere romantic. The marriage is consummated, and the eggs inserted into the nursery to provide nourishment for the newborn. Using a sensitive microphone and adaptive language circuitry, scientists have recorded this conversation. Guy Beetle: “hey babe, check out this pile of shit. Pretty cool, eh?” Girl Beetle: “I’ve seen bigger, but what the heck, it’s almost closing time.” Him: “I can’t wait to get you home and punish you on my turd ball.” Her: “I hope my fake moaning doesn’t keep the crickets up.” After sex, Him: “ya think that’ll be enough shit for junior?” Her: “if he’s anything like his father, he’ll be full of shit.” 

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