PRESSURE

10/5/2020

Keith Quarry was exposed to his most challenging quandary: the planning of his daily schedule in a terrified world of a viral pandemic. Keith was a salesman at a Colonel, (1 rank above a Major) Mechanical Contractor. He met with customers to observe their heating and cooling problems and, with his engineering department and his equipment vendors, would attempt to solve their problems for a fee. Mr. Quarry was well-versed in the mechanical trade, coming up the ranks as a sheet metal journeyman and honing his skills as an articulate liar so as to sway the owners to employ the likes of his construction company. Like most industries, honesty will get you unemployed. Keith’s current roadblock in sales was a recent viral pandemic of epidemic proportions. Business closures and no human contact decrees were destroying his sales and sliding him dangerously close to the chopping block. Something had to be dumb. Keith approached his best mechanical engineer named Kenny Spareapenney, and together they sought a solution to the pollution of the viral dilemma. Kenny used to work at the Center for Disease Control and was familiar with the use of overpressures to keep infectious agents out of clean rooms. Mr. Spareapenney visualized this physical principle of a pressurized containment field of a slightly elevated atmospheric pressure around one’s head, to keep viruses from entering. The concept was simple and needed no fans or pumps to achieve. Kenny just rotated the human body 180° on its axis and took advantage of the increased pressure closer to floor. Infection rates plummeted. All that was left to solve was the mobility issue, and Keith remembered one of his vendors sold Segways. Mating head standing people to these self-balancing human transporters solved the problem. As Keith and Kenny sail off in the sunset aboard their 450′ yacht, the world of upside-down, healthy humans trucking around on Chinese Segways owes them a world of gratitude for crushing Covid. 

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