POLITICALLY CORRECT

5/13/2018

Due to our increased awareness of being politically correct and our new lack of tolerance to hate essays peppered with racial slurs, misogyny, and ethnic bias, a new computer program has been instituted to eliminate these written wrongs from showing up in modern writing. Spellcheck will incorporate automatic software that will purge the ugliness from the language and replace it with preapproved civil replacements. Assimilation is mandated, resistance is deemed futile. Below is a list of successors that have been endorsed by government sanctioned academia. Ethnic cleansing becomes ethnological dusting. Fat chick becomes cellulite-sporting femme. Drunken driver becomes an ethyl alcohol chauffeur. Lazy fuck becomes lethargic breeder. Stupid bastard becomes an education deprived love child.  Blow job becomes an air movement career. Shit for brains becomes fecally enriched cranium tenant. Fuck you becomes copulate thine self. Wetback becomes liquid dorsum. The N Word becomes CAR, an acronym for Central African Resident. Cunt reverts back to its original word of control before it was corrupted and contracted: cunt>cunt-trol >control. Fat ass becomes well-grazed derriere. Pollocks or Polocks becomes European (ski)ers This last one is under debate. It is in reference to the invention of Eli Whitney’s cotton gin of 1794. This revolutionary machine or engine could quickly remove the seeds from a harvested cotton plant thus saving much hand labor provided by the slaves. This was thought to decrease the demand for slave labor and, hence, the slaves themselves. The opposite occurred as the demand for more cotton planters and harvesting pickers increase the amount of slaves needed. The overworked slaves found comfort in consuming an alcoholic beverage as a pain killer with a soothing, natural pine smell. It was known as GIN. The controversy is with this word GIN. Is it a contraction of the word enGINe or a hidden dyslexic ploy? GIN spelled backwards is ….. 

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