AUTO SCORE II

6/3/2018

The sunny Sunday sky showed an array of paint blisters on the trunk on the 2015 Ford Fusion. The 2016 Impala had enough miles on it to get you halfway to the moon and the 2014 Chrysler had an insidious odor to it. A strong indicator that the previous owner was a robust pig farmer. The day was gratifying in that it allowed Mike Rivet ample time to browse multiple car lots without the hassle of being stalked by car salesmen. However, it was his only day off and he’d much rather be fishing or standing at a bar and laughing amongst friends. Mike needed to replace his aging ride with something newer, but the economy dictated he look for something used and within his budget. Over 100 million Americans carry car loan debt totaling nearly 1.2 trillion dollars and he was attempting to avoid financing and buy the car outright. Every time he stepped foot on an open dealership, the lot lampreys would attach themselves to Mike’s movements and rattle off exquisite loan rates as they steered him over towards the new car section. Mike was fantasizing about putting a treble hook into their mouths and filleting them in the driveway as they flopped frantically. Mr. Rivet just wanted to walk through an auto emporium after work, without bringing the buzzards of buying sprinting out of the sales office, hot on his heels. While having a beer in a local pub, Mike was venting about his dilemma when a patron named Dan suggested a trick to fend off the sales slime. When Dan went car shopping, he would strap on his leaf blower and earmuffs and walk around unmolested because he was perceived to be the landscaping help. Once, he was confronted by a curious car crook, so Dan fired up his blower and directed hot air back at the source. Mike thought this to be an excellent idea but had no blower because he rented. Being resourceful, he took a new microwave box, strapped it to his back with bungee cords, stuck in a vacuum cleaner hose and walked around the lot unfettered. 

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