The majestic old growth forests of planet earth are no more than pictures hanging on the wall at antique shops scattered throughout the country. Although a few isolated, small groves still persist, thanks to the foresight of John Muir and his followers of true tree huggers, the vast majority of them have fallen victim to the Jolly Green Giant (money). Turned into plank roads, timbered hotels, houses, furniture and, at one time, outhouses, these trees have served man well by transporting him, housing him, and by giving him privacy during his discharge process. Today, with modern technology and the impatience of waiting around 100 plus years to harvest these slow growing behemoths, the industry plants and harvests modern trees in as little as 20 years. The largest demand is for pulpwood, the basic ingredient in the finished product known as paper. For centuries, paper was used for recording the thoughts and artistic talents of humans and can be reproduced onto more paper for mass idea transmission throughout the world. Man’s greatest invention. Although in today’s modern electronic age, with computers handling the information distribution, paper is still used as a backup. When the power goes out, paper prevails. Another category paper excels at is the job of defecation cleansing. Leaves are a thing of the past and toilet paper shines (really?). Replacing corn cobs, it has cleaned up the market for glossy anuses, second only to a bidet. Not one to shit on their ass, in 1961, the paper industry dumped onto society the disposable diaper. Replacing the cotton plants (cloth diapers) with trees (Pampers), mankind decided to fertilize his landfills with his own waste. Covering the bottoms of the very young, the old and the sphincter challenged, diapers are a godsend. Human beings are now free to move around in scented diapers, knowing that the feces shellacked to their ass cheeks and genitalia are not being scrutinized by healthy assholes.

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