As waves of new SMELLOWS BARS open across the country, America hasn’t seen this kind of interest in the bar business since Hooters opened in 1983. Established recently, these franchises are being gobbled up by insane investors everywhere. The unique product that has everyone talking are marshmallows that have nitrous oxide (NO2) trapped inside the confectionery treat. The giddy patrons who dine on these “spiked” marshmallows behave like a bunch of drunks, but after 10 minutes, the effects wear off and everyone is perfectly fine. Plus, there is no liver damage consuming this substitute vice. Recently, a new product has been introduced and sales have rocketed like a Sprint missile. The new creation simply replaces the nitrous oxide (NO2) with nitric oxide (NO). This chemical is responsible for every man’s boner that ever achieved a 99°erection. The nitric oxide is a vasodilator, which means it relaxes the small muscles constricting the blood vessels and in a man’s penis, this means more blood, hence a harder woody. With a BLACK SMELLOWS, the nitric oxide goes right to the sword, so that a super stiffy comes out of your pants just like a Pinocchio Politician’s nose at a town hall meeting. This combined with the original YELLOW SMELLOWS treat is going to put a bunch of drunk-like idiots, without the alcohol retarder, in charge of their own members. A rarity. The women will love it and the guys will be 6 deep with 10-inch spacings at the bar. In order to avoid confusion, the original NO2 version was dyed yellow to signify the happy, cheery feeling that the sun provides, while the NO version is colored black to represent the hardness of black granite. To date, no legal motions have been filed by any members of the African American Society. They think it’s comically complimentary. There are plans to include a SMELLOWS BARS in the lobbies of Hyatt hotels, but expect a severe rate increase to accompany the rooms. Sex is ungodly expensive, but who cares?