ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG III

11/1/2018

A short list of ideas has been previously proposed to increase the chances of an individual living to a ripe old age. By acting like a jerk, you will guarantee a long life. If a particular idea has not met with one’s own satisfaction, a few more scenarios are now available for activation: Replace a miner’s warning canary with one that sleeps all the time. Fill scuba divers’ tanks with laughing gas and watch them giggle till the mouthpiece is ejected 100 feet down. Use a pack of weiner dogs as rollers to move heavy machinery into place. Create additional efficiency for a coal fired power plant by doubling it as a crematorium, and use the smokestack scrubbers to recover Uncle Joe. Design high rise elevators with inertia-activated trap doors in the floors and leave a pool of water in the elevator pits to soften the landing, complete with hungry piranhas. Saturate all sleeping bags used in Yellowstone National Park with honey to attract Grizzly Bears at night. Shoot all trick or treaters in the face with rock salt to intensify their costume’s fright factor. Remove the canopy from the parachute lines and replace with individual rolled up party horns. Install powerful magnets on moving train locomotives and see how many cars they can drag in at the crossings. Feed deer Tannerite and watch them explode when you shoot them during hunting season. Tie the rope of a harpoon gun to your wife and shoot into the side of a commercial jetliner on takeoff. During a landing, substitute chopped birds as a jet fuel. Install 8 JATO bottles on the back of school buses and let the students on board ignite them. Create pregnancy tests that always read negative to promote diets. Replace spaghetti noodles with a folded up dorsal fin of a Muskie that opens when swallowed. Manufacture underwear out of a hypergolic fuel that explodes when exposed to urine. Place a half-eaten sandwich in the hand of comatose victim to give the family hope. 

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