12/19/2018
As the Tangerine Corvette harmoniously idled in the driveway, the summer sun reflected the owner’s grin in the wax enhanced trunk lid. James Mitten stood proud next to this magnificent automotive gift to mankind and it was now his own personal possession. Through hard work and perseverance, the task of obtaining this prize (paid with cash) stood at the pinnacle of his career. James spent last year working 3,750 hours at the sewer treatment plant in order to acquire this trophy. The mandatory 2-week vacation and his 250 hours in the hospital with an acute E coli infection that almost killed him, Jim nearly attained his ultimate goal of 4,200 hours. That’s 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, 50 weeks a year sitting in a mechanical control room, monitoring incoming human fecal material. An incredible feat. In late July, James left the control room and walked down to an oxygen instiller location to examine why his gauges showed errant numbers. The culprit turned out to be a condom that was blocking the gaseous distribution nozzle on one of the foaming valves. Jim saw fit to unwittingly remove the obstruction (violating safety procedures) and exposed himself to a bacteria-laced brown spray that struck him in the face. He wiped it off and returned to the control room to view his now satisfied gauge readings. Within 24 hours, a severe fever took hold of Jim’s body and he limply collapsed at the controls. Rushed off in an ambulance, the alert medical crew, viewing his career, assessed his condition and treated it with the appropriate antibiotics. He recovered without using his vacation time and he was soon back at the helm. The 1969 L88 Stingray with a 427 cubic inch engine spitting out between 540 and 580 of unadvertised horsepower was all his. The rarity of this beast was a reflection of the uniqueness of its determined owner. The gleaming steed was his passport to notoriety as Jim’s Vette far surpassed his ridiculously tiny penis.
Torked Truth 