DYEING RIVERS

4/16/2019

A new celebration technique has surfaced in societies thanks to advancements in chemistry. Previously, in order to stain waterways manually, mass killing of animals took place close to shore and the blood that spilled from the victims flowed into the local water source. Different cultures used different techniques to drive the future victims into a corralled location where slaughter was simplified. Scandinavians with boats drove small whales into shallow harbors where fishermen awaited with harpoons. Tribes throughout the world pushed herding animals towards bodies of water where panic ensued, and large numbers were slaughtered. Invading enemies were confronted with moats that hindered their crossing. The blood gushing from the sliced animals (2- and 4-legged versions) flowed into the rivers, lakes, and oceans and dyed the water red. The calmness after the annihilation was soothing as all rage and adrenaline have been spent. The realization that victory had been attained and threats have been neutralized were celebratory. New weapons have been confiscated and fresh food (long pig in some cultures) is now plentiful. Every March 17th, the fire department pours green dye into the Chicago River as a memorial to St. Patrick and the Irish. Local towns are doing similar things to enhance the competitiveness of the local sports team. Reds (blood) and browns (fecal material) are prohibited for obvious reasons, but all other team colors are OK. This rooting for the home team has had some unforeseen drawbacks. Downstream, the fauna in the waterways were always in a stable balance. Now with dyes getting into the inhabitants, racism has reared its ugly head and discrimination runs rampant. No one will allow the blue crayfish to live in their neighborhood and kneeling on the orange mussel could start a race riot. The purple minnow was last seen hanging from a tree while a group of eels rapidly swam away with white sheets pulled over their slithering bodies.

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