Bill Cokely (size 9C) was an unassuming atheist who rode the roller coaster of life. From an inquisitive child to juvenile delinquency, from a job jumping and woman humping youth, from daddy to divorcee, drugs and drink, multiple marriages and mayhem, Bill rode the coaster and stayed in the car. Now into his later years and facing his own upcoming demise, Mr. Cokely saw fit to join a religious group, just in case. Being a lifelong devourer of animal flesh, Bill prudently decided to go the SALAD RELIGION route and entered the church via baptism and a hefty initiation fee. Indoctrinated with a minimum of education, all that was needed was a background knowledge of what that pious institution stood for: All plants have souls, and all plants answer to the HEAD LETTUCE, therefore you can’t eat them. Simple, and right up Bill’s alley, because in his childhood, he was forced to eat broccoli, which sent him slithering down the road of sin. Salvation was at hand as Bill accepted that which was required of him by his clerics: volunteering, preaching, and oblations, or tithe. All was good until those venomous vegans moved into his neighborhood. At first, he was unaware of the heathens in his homeland, but when he spotted the sacrilegious sinners with carrots hanging out of their mouths, the match of war was tossed, and the holy war began. Bill began by burning burgers on the grille upwind of the Vegan Vatican and followed with leaf blowing McDonald’s wrappers into their yard. The Vegs were furious and countered by installing a salad bar stand on their front lawn and charged only 50 cents per plate. Bill was enraged by their blasphemous behavior and fired up his 36-inch, fuel injected, steroidal supercharged chain saw and took a sultry stroll over to the nullifidian’s lair Bloody Vegan meat was strewn everywhere and as the SWAT team hauled Bill away, he knew he was destined to be admitted to hall of fame in the Carnivore Cathedral for his servitude and fervor. 

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