EXTRACTIONS

9/13/2020

When going from your liquid beginnings to your current ‘outdoor’ existence, life presents a list of complications that one must confront daily. Swimming around in the placenta prior to birth, one doesn’t spend too much time thinking about future problems. Most of the time, they are dodging Mister Manly and his attempts to abort you by breaking your water sack. Nature, however, is on your side, by putting you just beyond harms reach due to the distance and a long sweep 90°bend. After birth, it’s another story. Now you’re amongst the English and all bets are off. People are standing in line to extract parts off of your being. If you’re a male and of the ‘right’ creed, first thing to get extracted is your foreskin. Cutting off the ‘turtleneck’ to allow the head to hang out is considered more sanitary and allows the little head to think more clearly, if that is even remotely possible. Teenage years can see the lymphatic tonsils getting extracted because viruses and bacteria can create sore throats and then it’s time to yank those little cash calves out. In early adulthood, and back in the mouth again, the wisdom teeth are on the most wanted list. After that, an occasional gall bladder, and maybe some sinus tissues are on the chopping block. Coming down the extraction pike are corns, bunions, and acrochordons. Take out a few more teeth, some fatty tissues, and bone spurs, and your scars will look like an interstate freeway map. In the world of extractions, the location for the procedures must be chosen carefully. For cysts, ingrown toenails, and wart removals, the doctor’s office will suffice. For tooth extractions, the dentist’s chair is totally acceptable. For more serious and complicated surgeries, questions must be answered. Where would you go to have your appendix pulled out? The answer is quite simple: you would go to the nearest hospital. Where would go to get your heart ripped out? Again, the response is obvious: you would go to the altar. 

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